How to Overcome Roadblocks to Great Sex – with Dan Purcell

Today’s Prompt:

What are some roadblocks we face when it comes to great sex in our marriages, and how can we overcome them?

Our Guest:

Dan Purcell is a “sexpert”, software developer, and dad of six, married to the amazing Emily Purcell. Together, Dan & Emily created the Get Your Marriage On! blog, where they share what they’ve learned in their own marriage about sex, to help couples have more fulfilling relationships.

Dan hosts a podcast of his own (links below) AND created an incredible app called Intimately Us chockfull of resources, games, articles, and tips for improving your sex life with a clean & fun, but informative lens. Remember when I told you how much I love this app?!

Let’s just say Joe and I were thrilled to have the chance to ask Dan all of our questions. We chat about everything from:

  • how to juggle sex with young kids,
  • how to create more intimacy with your spouse,
  • how to learn about sex together in a safe environment,
  • how to increase desire for sex when things like pregnancy, pain with sex, chronic illness, or desire discrepancy get in the way,
  • and some of the amazing benefits of sex,
  • to the role agency plays in our intimate relationships.

Some of My Favorite Takeaways from Dan:

  1. In every healthy relationship, you will run into roadblocks when it comes to sex – it’s completely normal!
  2. Being vulnerable enough with your spouse to learn and talk about sex & desire together is a catalyst for deeper connection & intimacy.
  3. Try this exercise: Maintain eye contact during sex & be fully present with your spouse as a way of saying “I want to be with you.” See & be seen.
  4. We make time for what we value. When you see the benefits (and there are many!) that come from sex in your life & your marriage, prioritizing it happens naturally.
  5. Date night helps lay the foundation to say, “We are important.” Sometimes things that are good for us require effort, and we don’t regret it later!
  6. Change the goal! It doesn’t have to be about orgasm or some desired outcome, but rather being intimate & connected, and sharing pleasure with your spouse.
  7. Resentment undermines intimacy, desire, and the long-term goal. Sex is a team sport! Don’t be afraid to discuss and work something out together.
  8. Your marriage works on you far more than you work on your marriage. It’s easy to wish our spouse would do all the changing so we don’t have to change ourselves, but becoming self-reliant and solid within yourself makes it much more likely that you will find a solution together.
  9. If you want real passion in your relationship, there has to be choice. Hold space for your spouse to make a choice that you might not agree with.
  10. You can always advocate for what you want! (just like you do with other things in your marriage). But, remember, advocacy is not the same thing as control & manipulation.

Links:

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